


Mission Failed

by thefishismine



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Gen, Season/Series 10
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-07
Updated: 2015-09-07
Packaged: 2018-04-19 12:31:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4746578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefishismine/pseuds/thefishismine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lister invites Rimmer to play a video game with him. The game they're playing is very loosely based on Grand Theft Auto. Inspired by a scene from Fathers and Suns.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mission Failed

Rimmer winced and gripped the edge of his desk a little tighter as a symphony of gunfire and sirens rang throughout the sleeping quarters. 

"Lister, will you turn that damn thing off? I'm trying to revise!"

"No chance, man. I've almost outrun them, can't stop now." 

Rimmer sighed in defeat and got up from his architect's desk. He stood behind the sofa and watched the television screen, his curiosity piqued. 

Lister had a prop gun in one hand and a steering wheel in another. As far as Rimmer could tell, he was playing as a dangerous criminal who currently had about ten police cars on his tail. Lister pulled the trigger on the gun a few times and his character fired his weapon out the driver's side window. The sirens got a bit louder and the screen started flashing red. 

"Smeg!" Lister made a sharp turn with the steering wheel and his character's car drove straight into a cement wall. The police cars jolted to a halt around him and the words MISSION FAILED appeared on the screen. 

"Smeg, I almost made it!" He turned behind him to look at Rimmer. "Can I help you?"

"Don't get smart, Lister, it doesn't suit you. I was watching purely out of curiosity." Lister stuck his tongue out at Rimmer, who ignored him. "This game is a bit backwards. Wouldn't it make more sense to play as the police officer than as the criminal? Surely more good would come out of playing the hero."

"There's no adventure in that, Rimmer."

"Sure there is! Bringing criminals to justice and cleaning up the streets, that sounds like a good time to me."

Lister fought the urge to roll his eyes. "You don't understand because you haven't played it. Why don't you give it a go?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Lister."

"Come on, it works better with two people anyway. Don't tell me you're afraid."

"I'm not afraid. I just don't like the idea of killing hard working police officers."

"Rimmer, it's only a game!"

"But it's the principle of it!"

Lister did roll his eyes this time. "Okay, fine, I'll use the gun. You can drive."

"Then I'll be an accomplice!" Lister shot him a glare. "Oh alright, I'll play. But only once. Then you have to leave me alone for the rest of the afternoon so I can revise."

"Revise? You were asleep for two hours."

"I was taking a power nap. Do we have a deal?"

"Yeah, sure." 

Rimmer took a seat next to Lister on the sofa. Lister pushed the start button on the steering wheel and handed it over to Rimmer. "You hold down A to drive and B to stop. If you want to turn just steer right or left like you would a normal car."

Rimmer gingerly pressed down on the A button. The car on the screen started to move forward at a steady pace. Lister sighed. "You can go a little faster."

"Ah, but I have a plan. If I drive normally and obey the traffic signals, nobody will suspect a thing. The cops will never find us."

Rimmer brought the car to a gentle stop at a simulated red traffic light. 

"For smeg's sake," Lister groaned. He placed the prop gun against his temple and mimicked shooting himself in the head.

"You'll thank me later, Listy. This is how to win." Rimmer angled the steering wheel to the right and the car made a smooth turn onto the main road. 

"Rimmer, drive towards that gas station up ahead."

"Great idea, Lister. We'd better fuel up. But I don't see a fuel gauge..."

Suddenly, Lister cocked his gun and shot at one of the propane tanks. The entire gas station exploded in a sea of flames. The screen shook and Rimmer's steering wheel vibrated in his hands.

"What the hell did you do that for?!"

"I'm playing the game like it's meant to be played." There was the sound of a siren in the distance. 

"Oh fantastic, Lister. Good going. I hope you're happy."

"Drive, man! They're onto us!" Rimmer pressed down harder on the A button and the car sped off down the street.

"Where are we going?"

"I don't know, that's up to you. Just don't let them catch us." 

Rimmer heard a thump as he drove the car over a curb. "I think I just ran someone over..."

"Don't worry about it." Lister fired to his left and the sirens got louder.

"Stop shooting! You're making it worse!"

"Rimmer, there's a park up ahead that leads to an overpass. Take this next left!"

Rimmer panicked and turned the wheel sharply to the right.

"Your other left, smeghead..."

"You made me nervous! And you didn't exactly give me enough notice!" 

Rimmer veered onto the curb again, crashing into everything in his path. He steered the car down a steep hill and drove it at full speed off of a bridge. It did a rather spectacular flip before landing upside down in the ocean below. The words MISSION FAILED were this time accompanied by the words YOU DIED. 

"Oh, bloody buggering hell." 

"Nice jump, Rimsy."

"I lost."

"So? You had fun, right?"

Rimmer nodded very slightly. "I didn't have a terrible experience. Let's put it that way."

Lister smiled and stood up. "Well, I'll have to hold up my end of the deal then. I'll let you get back to your revision." 

"No! I mean, I don't have to revise right now. Video games are a mental exercise, they're good for cognition, reflexes..."

Lister took his place on the sofa once again. "Relax, Rimmer, we can have another go." Lister took the steering wheel out of Rimmer's hands and gave him the gun. "But this time I'm driving."


End file.
